The Doubts of Being a Human
by Michaelalizzy
Summary: While demons are unique in their own ways, humans have their own special talents. Humans can somehow manage to upset themselves just by thinking too hard and for no reason apparent to anyone else besides themselves. When Sebastian signed himself up for a lifetime with a human lover, he hadn't known that Ciel, even as a demon, retained this little 'talent'.


**Just a little something I wrote, one I've been working on for a while. Hope you enjoy!**

The Doubts of Being a Human

While demons are unique in their own ways, humans have their own special talents. Humans can somehow manage to upset themselves just by thinking too hard and for no reason apparent to anyone else besides themselves. Some hide their unhappiness and try to wait it out, some go straight to someone they trust and talk about it, some just ignore the fact that they're unhappy and let it all bottle up someplace they can't even find. When Sebastian signed himself up for a lifetime with a human lover, he hadn't known about this little 'talent' of theirs. And he definitely hadn't known that Ciel, even as a demon, retained this 'talent'.

Ciel Phantomhive was the third type of person. He had every reason to be a tearful mess every now and again but he stayed strong, day after day. He was incredibly good at being this type of person. He rarely acknowledged his troubles and the few times he did, he easily brushed them aside. He had only a little while until his achieved his revenge and completed the contract and had his soul taken. After that, well, who knew what would happen. But until then, he had no time to be pondering over the past.

After what came to be known as the 'Trancy Incident', and Ciel became immortal, he had all the time in the world to contemplate the negatives. Therefore, Ciel became the first kind of person; the kind that would only admit their feelings to themselves, and preferred to wait for them to leave rather than worry anyone else with the burdens that are theirs and theirs alone.

For the longest time, Ciel remained this type of person. No one, not even Sebastian ever caught on. Those few tears he allowed himself to shed were hidden and only over his own dead body would he allow anyone to find out about them. Even in the event that he found himself wanting to talk; to become the second kind of person, there was no one, _no one_, who he could ever trust enough to keep these things secret.

The first kind of person always has moments when they break down, when they're sure they can have some privacy. Ciel, who had never needed to find a quiet place to descend into tears, became increasingly stressed. By the time the tears came, he had simply shut himself into his bathroom, not even locking it. Even a deaf elder would be able to hear the sobs coming from behind that door. So of course a demon could. As soon as Sebastian heard his little master, he sprinted to him, and knelt by his side, repeatedly asking what had happened. Ciel immediately became angry. He was a mess of fists, feet and fury, trying to tearfully send Sebastian back out, back to whatever room he came from. The dutiful butler stayed, gracefully avoiding his master's attacks, which were coming with less and less strength every minute.

Before either of them knew what was entirely happening, Ciel slowly halted his fruitless assault and simply clung to the front of Sebastian's butler uniform (the one the elder insisted on continuing to wear), sobbing his heart out. Sebastian held him close, sitting them down on the cold bathroom tile, Ciel in his lap, and rocking them both back and forth. The unstopping tears soaked the elder's shirt and Ciel, through his distress, tried to apologize and push away, but was quickly pulled back in. Quiet whispers assured him it was okay, that it didn't matter. And it was true. Ten minutes passed, then twenty, then forty, before Ciel calmed down enough to talk. He hiccupped and told Sebastian not to worry about it, that he was okay now.

"Ciel, you're not okay, and we both know it. Crying in the bathroom for who knows how long is not what a person does when they're 'okay'. Something is going on and I'm going to find out what it is one way or another. Now, you are not leaving and I am not leaving until we talk about this. So Ciel, I am going to ask you this one question. What has you so upset?"

Sebastian's firm tone just threw Ciel back into tears. A small part of the elder demon felt incredibly guilty. Okay, a _large_ part of him felt guiltier than was normal for a demon, but he believed it had to be said. He fell back into a rhythm, rocking back and forth, soothing the younger back to almost-quietness.

Ciel took a deep breath. He hoped more than anything that Sebastian cared enough to find out for real, that he wasn't just pretending to care like everyone else. But his demonic lover wasn't like everyone else. And Ciel knew that better than anyone. "I just… I…" He curled into Sebastian, seeking his affection and warmth, which he was quickly given, "I'm sorry. I'm not perfect. I'm useless. I've nothing. I'm nothing. I'm sorry. I… can't. I'm sorry."

The elder didn't respond; he simply nodded silently, not agreeing but understanding. A short pause followed, which Ciel took to mean an explanation was wanted, "I hate knowing that I… can't give you anything. Everything I have, I've received from you." He sniffed and held himself closer to Sebastian. "Everything," he whispered, "I'd be dead right now if not for you. I'm sorry."

Only when it became obvious that Ciel couldn't form an explanation any better than that did Sebastian speak. "Do you know why I decided to save you that night?" he asked softly, lightly petted that silky blue-gray hair he loved so much.

The small earl immediately shoved away from Sebastian but was trapped by the older demon's arms. "Why would you bring that up?" he shouted, "You- you-" As he searched for the right word, his tears returned, as did his weak punches. It was soon clear that his demon wouldn't let him go until he answered, so Ciel angrily wiped at his eyes and mumbled into his butler's broad chest, "You wanted my soul. Happy now?"

Sebastian's bright red eyes widened in shock, then saddened immensely as he shook his head, "If you really think that of me, the problem here is much bigger than I had thought," he whispered.

"Back then you did!" the younger protested, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head frantically, "You did, you did, you did!" He pounded at the elder's shoulders, pride and maturity long forgotten.

"Shhh, shhh, it's okay, stop crying," Sebastian tried to calm Ciel down before he addressed the response, "If I've never told you this before, then it's about time I do. I saved you not because of your soul, but for you. Ever since that day, I've had such strong feelings for you. I just... never told you until later. When I saved you... I had hoped that one day you'd return my feelings. I had never thought it would happen." The elder bowed his head, rubbing his forehead into his little lover's hair, "I came searching for a love I never could have imagined finding. You've given me something beyond what I could ever ask for. I don't see how you can't see that as well. So I am content to give you all I can, to show you exactly how much you mean to me. You are my entire life."

It took the younger a moment to find the words he needed, "S-Sebastian… I…" He couldn't properly express how much that meant to him. Though these were only words, Ciel believed them, with all of his heart. The fact that Sebastian couldn't lie aside, he seemed so sincere when speaking, anyone who happened to be listening on would have thought the same.

"You don't need to say anything, Ciel. Just promise me to never, _ever,_ think anything like this about yourself. Please. That is one thing you can give me."

Ciel wiped at his tears and looked up at Sebastian, smiling faintly.

About ten minutes later, after the younger had been picked up and deposited on the couch, to snuggle up next to the other at a location that was a little more comfortable than a bathroom floor, Ciel started thinking. And as he thought, he changed. He became the second kind of person, the kind who went to someone they trusted to talk about anything they want or need to. Though the young demon very rarely felt the need to do that, the change was still there.

And that made all the difference.


End file.
